oh sorry girls for not posting again, I was kinda busy, christmas is soon and crazy as I am I thought 'hey lets bake tons of different things as presents' and thats what I'm doin these days.
whatever, I hope everyone has fantastic holidays <3

I wanted to mention, I got Stevia now, and its really great. I tried using it in muffins with cinnamon and almonds and aww it tastes great, I only used very little but it doesnt taste strong just normally sweet. If you try it just by dipping the finger into it, its kinda strange because it's an unknown taste for me but still its great (:
I highly recommend this to anyone who is able to buy this in your country!

tomorrow we'll be at my german grandparents with my little german family eating cake in the afternoon and later we'll be at my aunts house with the italian family. And by 'we' I mean my boyfriend and me, I'm so happy he's coming with me this year (:
Every year we celebrate christmas at someone from the italian familiy's house and everyone brings some food. thats great because you can choose whatever you want and nobody can see how much you ate and everything. My mother is going to make a rice-spinach casserole which is vegetarian and which I really love. I'm gonna bring some baileys cream. Just in case you dont know what baileys is, it's Irish Cream Liquor. And I'm gonna mix it with mascarpone (super much fat) and vanilla and stuff. It tastes great, but its really a sin to eat such stuff. It'll be served with some kind of cookie, I dont know how its called in English, maybe something like ginger cookie or something.



It looks like this >>>



I'm gonna post again when I have time.

I wish all of you a wonderful christmas, and those who dont celebrate christmas, just have some wonderful days ♥

love,
Bella

just wanted to share a 'funny pic' and remind myself eating so much crap is not worth being like the girl on the left.

love,
Bella

so. much. cake!

Hey ladies <3
it's been my fathers birthday yesterday (first of december) and I went there around 3pm and only had a sandwich and a banana. I was already a little hungry since I was awake all night. But there was only goulash as normal food and cakes. So I ate 3 small pieces of cake and felt like I was rolling around but even managed to drink lemon soda afterwards. argfrhfjs why did I do this? I ate too much yesterday and I'm really not happy about that, I didnt binge or anything, just ate too much. So today will be alot better, I will make a tea after I finished this post and try to sleep a little more so I wont start munching something because I'm bored^^

I hope everyone is a step closer to their goals today! (:

love <3
Bella

need a header!

Well my lovelies, I started changing some things but I'm still not quite happy with it. I would really like to make post-backgrounds white-transparent and the text in black, but I dont know how to make the background white AND transparent. ugh /:
also, I really really need a header, with a picture. But I cant really get started because I havent decided if the name stays the same. I was never really happy with it, it was just a quick idea and I would rather have a name I like. I love my tumblr-blog name, but I cant name this one after the tumblr blog because this are completely different worlds and I dont want to be found out because there are certain people who know that I have a tumblr blog, whom I know in real life.
I guess I'm gonna go trough my music for some inspriration (maybe a quote of some song lyrics..?)

wish me luck!
and thank god I dont have chocolate here (:

love,
Bella

Blog Design

I really feel a strong need to change my blog design, I'm not happy with that one anymore. The colours are too bright and annoying.

Any suggestions?
Would love to hear some of your opinions!

love,
Bella

ohmygod

Of course, yesterday I ate more than I planned, but thats okay, I'm on my peroid since the day before yesterday and uber-unpredictable. I ate a veggieburger at my parent's and I was really strong while we baked some cakes for my fathers birthday, I tried a little of the coffee-cake-dough but not too much. I suddenly fell asleep on the sofa while my mother baked the second one, so I didnt get a chance.
I bought Diet-Sprite yesterday. So when I really want something sweet, I will drink a little of that. Though I hate diet soda because the taste of artificial sweetener is awful /:
but I really really wanna do that.
A few days ago, my mother asked if I had lost weight. I laughed and said no because I ate so much crap the last few weeks and I thought that its true, but I dared to go on the scales today and it said 61.6kgs ( 135.8lbs ) !!!
I was like WTF and tried it like 5 times again and it always saig the same number. That would be less than I weighted myself last time and I thought I might have gained! Thats so weird! But I'm happy. Since I cant be sure if this number was right I need to meassure myself today and try someone elses scales out.
However 61.6kgs/135.8lbs would be a HUGE difference to my weight before ( which was between 63.5kgs/140lbs and 64.5/142.2lbs ) and I would love if this is my real weight now. I cant see or feel the difference yet, but this is just the beginning, I'm sure.

Today I plan on cooking a aubergine-lasagna. So I will replace the lasagna (the noodles) with slices of aubergine. Normally I hate aubergine, but in that form I really like it. It has really low carbs so I can even eat it tonight without worrying to much about my normally very high carb meals. (:

I'm gonna meassure myself now and update my 'Bella' page later.

By the way, till now I ate a banana and one jelly baby. I'm gonna snack on carrots while cooking my tomatosauce for the lasagna and hope everything goes well.

Sorry for so much rant,hope youre all okay. Stay Strong<3

Love,
Bella

I need to get started

Hey Ladies,

I can feel clearly that something has to change, I'm gonna move out of that hole I lived in for the past few weeks. I can't let myself go like that anymore. I need to fight.
It's just so ironic how some people feel like there is the weight of the world on their shoulders and its impossible to get up everyday, live through the day and fight to survive their own mind while other people wont even get what I'm talking about.
Well, this is what feelings are about, everything is relatively.

So far I had:
a Clementine 60cals
a portion of Totellinisalad ~400cals
a chewing gum 4cals
water 0cals

that's okay I guess, but I fear of screwing it later, when I'm at my parent's. But if I'm here alone I will eat anyway so I will go there and simply dont eat untill I arive. Okay these are like 10hours, I will probably eat an apple or something. Maybe with cinnamon. Does anyone know a recipe with contains apples and cinnamon and doesnt contain a huge amount of fat and sugar? Feel free to tell me!(:

and if someone wants a low-fat tortellini salad recipe, just ask and I'll post it. (:



does anyone know what plant this is?

haha just kidding, I wouldnt even know myself, thank god for google (another joke, I dont believe in god)

this is Stevia.
You may have heard of that. A kind of no-cals-sugar replacement can be made out of this plant.
I already heard alot of it, but never tried it.
The problem is, in germany its not acknowledged as 'food' because the long-term reactions of our bodies isnt tested yet. You can buy it as a beauty product though (i.e. as a bath essence).
I orderd a little 30grams box and now I'm desperately waiting for it to arive so I can bake something(: I really really wish it tastes good or at least that I can get used to it. Then I can satisfy my sweet tooth with cake or muffins and save cals. yay! (:

lots of love<3
Bella

starting today

...I will make the bubblegum and cigarette diet.

Of course, this doesnt mean, I will only live on that.
It just means, if I'm not really hungry anyways but still want to munch on something, I will either chew gum or smoke a cigarette.
Normally, I'm not a smoker, but I enjoy a nice cig now and then...

I'm not quite sure how to handle the ciggie thing because my boyfriend will notice and I dont want to hide something from him, but I wouldnt want to lie to him about the reason for smoking. /: we'll see..

well, as for the rest of the diet, I will eat one warm meal everyday and try to stick with 1000cals.
This seems quiet much, but for me, its still a challenge.
So far today (which is only 4 and a half hours) I had a mandarine. I'm already really hungry because I slept from 2pm till 1am, so I didnt have a dinner yesterday.

Right now I'm cooking some spinach-ricotta tortellini for a tortellini salad which will include tomatoes, gherkins, low fat mozzarella and low fat feta and a bit of the secret-special-salad-sauce of my fathers restaurant (: I'm gonna count the cals for that now....
its roughly 1000cals the whole portoin, but of course my portoin isnt that big. I might take the rest with me, when I visit my parents this evening.(:

hope everyone is okay<3

love,
Bella

woah

I've been absent for way too long. But I've been absent from my life for way too many weeks, too.
But I finally managed to come back and I saw I got even 2 more followers! I dont know how I deserve this but thanks alot <3
I cant really explain whats goin on with me, I havent seen anyone besides my family and housemates for weeks and only once talked to my best friend on the phone. I dont sleep at night. I came to a point where my parents noticed what I hid for so many years and I got to the doctors finally. Now my mother and me are calling at random psychatrists and psychologists and try to find someone who has spare time for me. But they said, I should stay in a hospital. I dont want to. I never thought it would come this far. I'm scared. Scared off telling people how I feel. I can neverever be really honest with a person. Its even hard to write down here.
But I really dont want to come back here and just whine so much.
I came here because I want to change. And I need to start with something.
So I just looked at a blog I discovered months ago again and its really inspiring.

http://run-bella-run.tumblr.com

I really recommend to take a look at it. The girl with the same name as me really made great changes. I want to be like her.

I'm gonna catch up on your blogs soon, I hope. I start with that NOW.

Lots of Love<3
Bella

strange...?

In the last 24 hours I consumed one tequila-flavored beer, a unsweetened tea, water and 10 almonds.
Since I'm normally really bad at skipping meals in general, its really unusual for me, it hasnt been like this for the last two years or so. Let me explain,
I was out partying and drinking with a friend tuesday night. We got a little drunk and everything was nice, I saw one of my best friends again and I really missed him alot and we're hanging out all night.
I rarely get drunk nowadays, I'm simply not so much into getting destroyed every weekend like I used to. Sounds strange from a 17 year old...
Whatever, I'm not really used to get drunk, or rather my body isnt and so I felt sick on wednesday. I ate one puff pastry roll filled with cheese but after that I felt worse and so I didnt eat untill evening, where I went out with the same friend again to another club but we both stayed sober, she had to drive us home and I couldnt do that to my poor stomach. Except one tequila-flavoured beer for me.
This morning I still had a little stomach ache but I guess I'm hungry. I've eaten 10 almonds since I'm awake for 5 or 6 hours. Thats rather unusual for me. Right now I'm cooking my favfood tomato sauce and I nibbled on a little piece of broccoli but still havent eaten. I will eat some spagetti with my sauce when it's finished, so I'll be able to work later but at work I really need to be strict and dont eat sweets someone gives me or any pizza or whatever. (I'm working at my fathers pizzaria, my uncles always give me food)

Due to technical problems I havent been able to use my new computer by now (not enough power sockets in my room) but I swear I will manage it in the next few days so I can go to blogger and read your blogs and comment and everything I miss to do now.

Hope youre all okay since I checked up on you last week. <3
Bella

oh my god I missed you so much

Ladiiiies,
finally I managed to come back! My computer broke down weeks ago and I could only go online at my boyfriends computer and I didn't dare to go to blogger ):

Will check up with your blogs right now!
thanks for not leaving me my dear readers :*

son of a bitch?

Hey Ladies,
I apologize for the following post, because I'm really really upset and need to get rid of my thoughts.

my son-of-a-bitch-landlord is really annoying and the father of two of my roomates.
Thats why he thinks he could do everything he wants in this house, 'visit' whenever he feels like and everything.
We're not such a tidy community and he complains about that all the time. We made a plan for our housecleaning so we can see who does it and who dont. The slimey-dissembling-son#1 (my boyfriends best friend) always tells him me and my boyfriend would do anything, while he does everything. He really does alot of thing, but we do our stuff too, only his brother (son#2) has no intentions in doing anything, but he moves out in a few moths, so his father doesnt really care.
Now my boyfriend and me didnt write anything on the plan since he has the big bathroom and I have little bathroom and hallway (dont need all over cleaning every 3 days). But slimey-son#1 only needs to take out trashbags and turn on the dishwasher, and everytime he does it, he wrote it down. So this was maybe once or twice a week but still we have fruit flies after a few days because he only takes them out if they're really full. But this is really NO WORK. His brother, son#2, has to sweep the floor and kitchen counter and hasnt done this since weeks before we had the plan.
So if I clean my basin, but the plan didnt contain that kind of work, only 'bathroom cleaned', it looks like I havent done anything. Btw, son#1 who made the plan completely forgot the little bathroom and I had to add it with a pen.
The son-of-a-bitch-landlord says if it doesnt get better we'll have to move out, after one warning. He said my boyfriend and me will get a warning even if he hadnt checked how the bathrooms looked! I fucking hate him!

And I would love to move out of this hut, but theres the next problem: my boyfriend.
he believes its cool in this little village and he wants to live in the same house with his best friend (who never has time for him because everyone is more important) and thinks you could only throw parties in a house like this.
And I cant move out by myself, because I dont have enough money and I really cant live without him... and thats rather sad than romantic.
I dont want to move in with my partents again but I really dont know what to do anymore ):


sorry for this angry-rambling-post,
and btw I managed to go out running two days ago.

someone motivate me

to go out running with my boyfriend.

I still have a cold and went to the doctor today so I can sit out in PE and my stomach is hurting like hell all day and I dont know why. ):
BUT
this may be reasons but I dont want any excuses anymore.
How can I ever look skinny and beautiful if I just lay around in bed?
Yeah, never so I have to go!

motivation, yay! go me!

omg 30 readers

ILOVEYOU



add me on AIM
BellaMeowMeow
<3

I WAS FAT ALL MY LIFE. but u know whats strange...?

Hey girls,
I'm back with another post... I wanted to make this for a while.
I know I felt fat most of my life. Since grade 2 or 3, I can remember it clearly.
Not like chubby but like overweight-fat.
I want to show you some pics and want you to honestly tell me what you think.
Please, everyone who sees this.

btw it was so much work to find these pictures. I always thought of myself as ugly so of course nobody was allowed to take photos of me.
somehow, a few exist though.

this was when I was eleven.
I am really dark in that picture because this was summervacation with my parents.
The reason why they were allowed to take a photo was the outfit I'm wearing. It says 'ALL STAR' and that reminded me of converse :D

I didn't actually look like overweight did I?
I wasn't.
But I felt like.






this was summer 2006 when I was 12.
I'm the one in the middle.
The other two were my vacation friends I met there.
It might be a little confusin that the girl on the right is a bit chubby while the one of the left was eating disordered (I think so. I didnt realize it at that time, but one or two years later I remembered her saying 'Im eating so much, two yoghurts!' but she was already at recovery at that time).


I was overweight there either...


no body pictues from when I was 13. Actually not even memories of this year.




spring when I turned 14, my confirmation outfit.
Maybe I've been chubby but never overweight...

but why do I remember being fat all my live?












I dont know which time that was, but something around 14-15.
I'm the girl on the left.
Dont ask why this is so blurry and ugly and everything, we're drunk.
But look at my legs! (click picture)
they dont look like really fat or something. Not thin or skinny, but definitely not fat.









and here we have me at 15.
I felt save to show my eyes. Well, it just because I like them in that photo.
but look at it.
there is a fucking little gap between my tights. WTF.

it's like all the pics show someone different, but not me.










this is summer '09 when I was 15.
The photo was taken in the swedish woods during vacation over there.
Normally, I dont smoke.
But I was really fucked up (mentally) when I was there. And smoking was really comforting... I didnt smoke at all before and there I was like a chainsmoker. But when I left two weeks later, all the pressure droped and I didnt smoke anymore.

yeah still not overweight....

this is summer 2010 in scottland.
I was 16.
still not thin.
still not fat.
even standing next to a friend (left) who is thin, with a boyish body shape I (right)dont look like a complete whale.... mysterious.









so here you go, I wanna hear what you think! Please be honest!
No more pictures, they would be too new and I cant find one anyway.

I love you girls.<3
thanks for always staying with me.
you know I didnt censor the photos because I dont trust you. I just dont trust others. And my face looks awfully stupid in most of them....

have a good night ladies<3

whats wrong?

With me?
Because I'm in a new school and I managed to stay at home for at least oneday every week because I cant get up. I don't know why I always mess things up ):

With bloggers?
Because recently 3 girls I follow stopped blogging and deleted their blogs.
Cinnamon Brown, Miss Hilarious and LuftundLiebe, I really liked your blogs and I always follow just the few I like best and now 3 of you have left. ): hope youre all okay, Cinnamon stays healthy and can go to seattle some day, Miss Hilarious I hope you come back because I still dont know what happened and I really hope you're okay and LuftundLiebe please stop this abusive behavior and break up with that horrible guy, you'll be so much more happy, for sure. <3

xoxo Bella

"You can exist without your soul, you know, as long as your brain and heart are still working. But you’ll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no….anything. There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just exist. As an empty shell."

-Remus Lupin

"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."

-Albus Dumbledore

WANTED

MISS HILARIOUS wo bist du?

Weiß irgendjemand etwas ueber ihren verbleib? Meldet euch bitte.

hell yeah

I finally managed to make my AIM account working with Trillian Astra. Because I use the new Trillian now, I managed to create a secound indenty with the name Bella. (: this means I can be online all day (or the time I'm at my pc) with my regular account and still chat with you lovely girls! Awesome! (:

please message me under BellaMeowMeow ! I didnt get a few of your requests, so please send messages (:

Loooove<3

meanwhile....

omg I have been such a bad bad bad blogger!
Please pardon my absence, wonderful ladies!

I cant explain why but I'm not able to blog these days.
to entertain you just a little, here is my tumblr-.blog link. I just started it a few days ago.

U Should Have Never Trusted Hollywood

ATTENTION! please dont mention anything related to this blog, including weight issues, depression and stuff like that because maybe I will gibe this link to people I know in real life.

Lots of love <3

Finally! responding to your lovely comments

My sweeties,
thanks alot for all you comments!
I am very grateful for every comment that I get from you, it feels so good that you care for me and my stupid rambling and you can even understand me. That means alot to me.
Before I get carried away, here are my responses. :*


Kitty: I also have difficulties leaving the house because I cant go out without makeup and an acceptable outfit, so I think I better stay in the house before I start dressing myself and putting makeup on. I really have to fix that. Good thing I'm working now at my father's so I have to get out of the house and dont eat that much. (:

Littly Miss Thin: It was some kind of realization, it came to my mind, I said it out loud and my boyfriend simply agreed because he already had the thought weeks ago.
We're both very difficult, I suffer from years of depression and I got to some 'final stage' I think, because I'm not changing that much anymore.
Before, I went through different stages like the 'feeling absolutely nothing' stage and the 'what the fuck is going on with my life' stage, etc.
Now I've reached a stage where I think I'm really happy but also very deeply affected by what depression did to me and now I'm kinda oversensitive. I start crying over the 'tiniest things', I have nightmares every night I dream and I can get more depressive very easily. It seems to my like everything that happened in my past is affects my life now. Also my mind is torturing me with cruel thoughts and pictures when I'm awake.
My boyfriend is more the cold-hearted-type, but not all the time. He likes being alone and doesn't like to be close to me when we're with other people.
So of course there are problems, lots of them, which we think we cant solve because our personalities wont change that much.

Mich: You really made me feel better by just posting these words.
Theoretically your completely right, but unfortunately not in reality because I'm more than addicted to my boyfriend, he's the person I trust as much as possible for me, he is by my side every night and every day, I simply cant live without him anymore and its like 'how did I live 16 years without him?'. I may still be alive if our relationship would end, but there will be no way I will get over this, I know myself too well to believe that. And he really really loves me the way I am and I'm really sure this is very very hard and I cant say I deserve that. But I'm grateful that I am loved that much.


It took me alot of courage to type these words since this is normally something I would never say or write. I'm really proud that I'm able to write this here, to you, the lovely blogger-ladies.

something to cheer myself and this post up:

my latest favourite Disney Couple!

  

  

it's Arielle from 'Arielle the little mermaid' and Megara from 'Hercules' (;

I can't really explain why, but these two have a very special relationship in my head. I saw a vid on youtube with different Disney-Girls in and these two somehow matched, so they're the perfect couple.
Curious, naughty, little mermaid Arielle and confident, dominant and sexy Megara.

found some fanart *-*
         



but really not my preferred style of drawing. and they're way to fat.
Sorry for thinking that ):

                                      
I like that one, but it's still not what I'm looking for. Their facial expression is not quite what I imagine.




                

                    


this picture looks more like the kind of relationship I imagine. aww *-*

 









Kisses :*
Bella

I am so sorry

Dear ladies,
I havent blogged in many days and I'm really sorry about that, I'm a bad blogger and I dont deserve that all my 28 readers stayed with me. Thanks alot..<3
I have no excuse, in the beginning I didn't get a chance because I slept like a normal person, I guess, so there wasnt enough time.
Things are okay right now, I'm not doing the HSGD since the festival I went to but I try to stay with 1000cals.
I started working at my father's. This is something everyone thought would be impossible, including me, but it's really working. It's really fun, it's a familiar environment for me and yeah I like working there and I also earn a little money(:
I think I catched a cold and I'm on my period now, so my body isn't in the best condicion but I can deal with it.
Tonight I stayed at home because my Darling didnt felt well too so we just cuddled a little and he slept most of the time.
While I was bored because he fell asleep again I started looking through facebook, trying to find a possibility to see all the different albums my friends uploaded without checking out their profiles. There isn't one, I think.
As I have seen different albums I found the album of the finland holydays of a friend. I really think I should have gone with them on this vacation and the festival wasn't worth staying in germany.
While I was looking through the pictures I noticed the 'ugly' parts of my friends and people I know. eww fat legs, eww spots in her face, eww his hair looks ugly, etc. First I was worried why I think this but then I somehow thought I will be better. Next year, I will be with them and I will be the most beautiful and perfect girl of our group. My hair will be even longer than now, so that I have the longest hair, I will be thinner so I dont look like a fatty, I will look good in every picture and even when I'm waking up without makeup in the morning!
I know I can do this and this is realistic if I really try it. Okay, maybe not the party about the most beautiful and perfect girl, but still.
I already know I cant be the skinniest girl, no matter how much weight I loose because there are two younger girls who are really like dolls, very very petite, I guess they're at least under 105lbs, the smaller one something between 90-97lbs. I dont know if it's natural, I didnt talk to them very much, but they're nice girls. But their faces aren't as perfect as their figures. At least something that makes me believe they're not aliens from outer space. ;)
I wanted to share this collage with you, I made it a few moths ago and it was my desktop background picture but I was afraid my boyfriend would ask strange questions, so I removed it and put a picture of Skin's Cassie there instead(:

click it (;

I'll answer your comments in a separate post after I catched up on your blogs!(:


lots of love and kisses :* <3
Bella

Every Night and Every Day ...

I feel very paranoiac.
I'm already used to fear alot of things, its so normal for me, sometimes I mention it around other people who give me weird looks.
Since the first aniversary of my boyfriend and me I got a new fear.
Every time I wake up, I'm scared he had left me and every night I go to sleep I'm afraid of him leaving me.
Because we found out we wouldnt be together for such a long time as we thought. This thought hurts so much I cant even type it without crying.
I really dont know what to do. I'm so scared that I wish to follow him everywhere and never be without him, but of course that would annoy him after a while. So I'm scared of clinging to him because I might be annoying.
Then I think, I should just end it now, before it hurts much more, but I'm way to weak to do something like this. I really thought I got stronger and my mind got clearer and I wouldnt struggle with reality and depression, but I just made myself an addict, unable to live without his love.
He said, we would be best friends if our relationship ends.
I said, if he really wants to do something good he should never see me again, because I know myself too well, I know I would use every chance I get to get near him and I would do everything to make him want me back. And when I say everything, I really mean it. There is nothing I can imagine I wouldnt do for him. And then my life would be all about how to be with him all the time. I would never let that go, and thats why we couldnt be friends. I could never feel the same for him as I do for my best friends, because I never have fallen in love with them.
I hate thinking about that and I know I make everything worse by thinking about it but I really cant stop. The only thing I can try is to think it secretly, write it on my blog, cry when he's asleep and smile when he's awake.
There is no other way.
I don't know what to do.
I really cant see any way this would work out.
Someone come and save me.

Oh well, I dont have anyone to save me. Thats no self-pity, thats just true. I never had someone I trusted so much, the person I trust the most is the problem and so there is no way I could ask for help.
I wish I could get some pills which make me dull and feeling nothing. Without a therapy.
I need to see my doctor... someone told me about good sleeping pills which make you cold as ice. This is something I really need to fall asleep, I guess. But my doctor always try to solve problems with analysing and not only with giving some meds. I will need a trick.

If someone reads this crap, please dont tell me to go to a therapy. I heard this quite often but there is no way I could trust a therapist. I hate telling things about me. The only way I can manage to talk about myself here is that nobody ever knows who I am. I guess I would have to kill myself if someone ever finds this blog. Nearly everthing written down here is a big big secret nobody knows about, besides you, my lovely readers.

Thanks for everyone who reads what I'm writing and supports me. You are wonderful. <3
Bella

Festival

Soooorry Girls, for my abscence! Ich couldn't post before I left for a festival and I didn't had any alone time on the pc since I'm back.
Festival was sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible, I will write about that later. Foodwise I was doing bad, I think, the 3 girls which were with me are eating ALL THE TIME [all are thinner than me] and I really mean all the time. So I was eating all the time too. I wasn't hungry one time at the whole festival because I was eatingeatingeating. At home, I struggle with eating normally and more healthy, I always want fatty food like fries, veggieburgers, pizza and sweets like cake, chocolate and cookies. I haven't eaten all that stuff but still my stomach really feels weak. I bought a pumpkin-seed bread, so I dont have to eat sandwich for breakfast.
And I have a lower-fat-feta so I might eat half the cheese for dinner or something.
I'm alone right now, because my boyfriend is at his fathers again, like yesterday. I went with him because I didnt want to be alone at home but today I decided it's better to stay home and give him some alone time with his father. *sigh* now I'm at home and I know I wont leave the house *sigh* but I cant contact anyone, I feel like everyone is somewhere outside, and only I am stuck in the house.

Aww and dont forget to add me at AIM, my name is BellaMeowMeow

Kisses :*
Bella

message with blogger-ladies? - yesss

Hey Ladies,

first of all, Cocktails Night was great, not to many cals and not too drunk, but had bad bad fight with my boyfriend afterwards. He's really loud and he ran out of my room and shouted some things. I went after him and took him back to my room but his best friend+girlfriend heared him. I was really sad because he was so angry. But he cooled down really quick.
But somehow I think he's a little theatralic when he drank some alcohol. He always says it not like this but I can really see the difference.
Nothing bad happend and we cuddled afterwards and thought about how we could stop this stupid fighting. I know, sometimes you have to fight, but not like this.

Well, afterall I'm doing okay with HSGD, sometimes I'm a little over my limit, but no binge or overeating.(:
I think I will weight myself on monday,  since tonight we have a party and tomorrow I don't want to weight myself with all the alcohol and stuff. So Monday Morning I will see if I was really doing okay. If I lost more than 1kg/2lbs, I will meassure myself again properly. I will also meassure my hips and my upper bust and maybe somewhere under my knee [I want tiny legs!].
I took a picture of me in underwear last month or so but I hid it somewhere and I can't remember where... maybe on the other cam, maybe on this computer, maybe on the other computer or maybe on my external harddrive? aww ): I have to search for it!

And finally...
I created an AIM account!
my name is BellaMeowMeow
add me!
I'm not able to find any of you by username, I do something wrong but I dont know what... help! o:
I dont know if I can be online so much, because my boyfriend would notice that I use another program [normally I use Trillian Astra and I can use all my messenger accounts at once, but my Icq account allows me accsess to AIM so I can't have another username. So I had to install an extra programm, AIM, to chat with you. Please add me, I'm so excited!]

Kisses :*
Bella

Hey Ladies,
I haven't been on blogger two days, 3 new readers and I was like uaaah, no way, so many!
I'm very happy about that. (: (: (:
The last few days weren't really good, I didn't count cals because I was over the limit and I felt very bad. I have been at home all the time, this is just bad for me.
But if I know my boyfriend is coming home or is at home I never leave the house... I have to do something about this.
He mentioned a few times that I do much more things when he's away and he's right but I don't know why. /= I'll find a way to manage things better.


Tonight [wednesday] I'll go out with my boyfriend and a few friends to drink cocktails. I love cocktails. But they're full of cals and I want to try to stay under my limit. I have to eat something low cal but enough to fill my stomach before we go to the bar - otherwise I will be drunk after one cocktail and start eating crap. [carving for salte&fatty food, you know]

I'll try to stick with the fruity, juicy ones, which don't contain milk or cream, so they're not so fatty.
But still full of cals, so I better find out which ones are lower in cals. I don't want to miss anything because of HSGD otherwise I will start pigging out, I know it.
Just a little restriction would be good for me.
And I know, I can do that.
Research on the internet for cals in cocktails will start right after posting, I hope.

btw, I love pictures of cocktails.
I could stare at them forever.
They're simply so beautyful!
of course not all of them, but really alot I found.

Hope you girls are alright, love you<3
Bella

look at this one in full size, it's much more amazing.

   

boring

why is nobody on blogger?
No one comments, no one posts. booooring. It' sunday!

Found some test I want to do too.


I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast [more a diet, the HSGD]

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses 
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip


RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.


SEXUALITY -
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.


HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[] I weigh myself daily (-ish)
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat [dependng on what I eat]
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[] I’ve spit food out
[] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion


I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[x] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other


[x] I keep my eating habits a secret from those around me
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone [my boyfriend]
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

so well yeah that's it. Now you know alot of unecessary things about me, if you bothered to read what I wrote. (: 
have a nice sunday<3
Bella

picture of meeee

well yeah I was in a mood to do something stupid.
This is double stupid because its a ulgy picture and thats funny and stupid because I'm reckless and post a picture of myself though I'm so scared of being found out. But I think I can hide myself like this, at least for most of the people who know me.
:D
Sorry for the emotionless face but since I have a half dried healing earth mask on my face and cant twich a muscle in my face.
And in the left corner of my face you can see a little bit of black hair dye color which isn't gone yet. :D
Well hopefully it entertaining to see such a stupid picture, now I feel like I'm doing more fore my followers, like the other lovely bloggers here<3

omfg Ladiiiies

I went in the bathroom to check if the scale is working again and it showed me 61.9kg/136.5lbs O:
I can't believe that so I have to check my measurements. I know that the scale might be showing wrong stuff again but normally it only shows 10kg/22lbs less than you normally weight.
I'm still not sure if it works to check my measurments and I can't believe that I lost nearly 3kg/6lbs...
Okay I'll measure myself now.

Old:
[under]ust: 81cm / 31.9in
Waist: 79cm / 31in
Hips Lower Waist: 97cm / 38in
Tight: 56cm / 22in

New:
[under]Bust: 80cm / 31.5in
Waist: 74cm /  29.1in   <<< omg! Normally I have NO waist, this means, no smallest part x)
Hips Lower Waist: 94cm / 37in   <<< I wrote hips but I actually meant lower waist [two fingers below navel]
Tight: 55cm / 21.7in


okay girls, I definitely lost something! yay! Finally! I can't believe it! That so superawesome! Though I'm somehow sad that I'm still that fat, along time ago I had 60kg/130lbs as a goal weight but if I look at myself now, I think I really have to get under that.
But still, I lost weight!!!
Well sorry if this sounds so stupid to you girls who really do alot and already lost a ton of weight or those who did much better than me and hasn't lost yet, but I'm soooo happy!
I can't believe that this happens only because I tried [and also failed] this for a few days. HSGD I love you!(:

before I posted about the bbq. I went over there and they already finished the bby and were drinking [I knew they started early in the afternoon and I arrived at 8.30pm]. I are a small piece of a cherry-cake and started drinking, but nothing with too many cals and since I didn't eat I had enough cals to work with. Later I had a few crisps but only a handful and was satisfied. It was wounderful(: And one of my best friends, who I really miss, came over later because one of his friends was there too. This really made me happy because we hadn't seen each other for weeks and the evening before we talked on the phone and it was really great. Untill I moved out last november I used to talk to him on the phone every night.
I talked to the girl where I stayed over the night all night long and so we didn't sleep at all but it was fun (;
The next morning I ate what I brought for the bbq with some bread and this were about 300cals but that was ok.^^
After that I went back to the city to meet my mother, I need a special lightbulb so we bought that and then I went with her to my parents house. She asked me before if I wanted something to eat at the city but I denied it, because I knew that would be too much cals. *proud* at my parents home we had something like paella [not a real paella, just rice with various veggies] I ate two portions, but rather small. I was very full afterwards, but still in my cals limit.

I hat two pieces of profiterole as a dessert, but I can't resist them and if I would say no my parents would think I'm ill or something x)
But saturday is 1100cals day and I didn't go over it and I'm proud.
I feel that my problem are the days I spend in my bed.
My darling was away so I tried to go out as much as possible, I didn't buy anything to eat, ate at home, felt well and I didn't starve at all.(: *proud again*
If I can manage to go to the gym, everthing would be very perfect.
I think seeing a real difference just from a bit of watching what I eat really motivates me.
I keep going, yay!(:

Today I cooked some pasta with pesto-sauce, that about 450cals, really much for some of you, I know, but I'm okay with that, because I have another 1100 cals day today and so I eat the higher-caks-dishes on weekends(:
I think I need to plan a feel meals for the next days so I know what to buy and how to use only a little amount of cals and not eating junk food because I don't know what else to eat.(:
I'm smiling the whole time, lol. :D

good luck with your food-affairs, everyone<3
Bella


 

It's ENOUGH, WTF AM I DOING

something I wrote last night:

Ladies,
this is serious.
I'm not allowed to do anything stupid anymore.
I didn't to well with the hsgd and this has to stop NOW. I have to realize that.
It's not something I can do all the time, I have to stay strong and eat whats good for me. Really.
I need someone to support me. Just tell me how gross it is to eat all this stuff. I feel lime vomiting. But this wont happen because of my big fear of vomiting.. I haven't done this for the last 4/5 years...even if it was necessary in some cases, I always kept it inside me. I wish I wouldn't. But I don't want to binge and purge...just being able to purge if it's necessary because of the pain in my stomach.
Whatever, no time to ramble.
Tomorrow I will go to a BBQ. I will bring my own veggie stuff but I don't know about the salads...hopefully they're not totally soaked with dressing. Just in case I should make a salad myself.... but I don't know if I have something to transport it because I have to take the bus and run around in the city with that bowl... aah I'm not sure what to do. Help me.

And how about staying in real-time contact with the blogger girls? Why not creating a skype account or yahoo messenger or something so that we could write there? Got this idea from Camilles Blog because she talked about a ED Facebook Account but I'm way to scared that fb will know everything.

...I'm so random.

I love all of you girls who read my blog and support me<3
Bella

he's goneeeeeee

boohooo T_T
my Darling drove away 10mins ago, to a festival.
I already miss him /:
I need some really good distraction now.
I ringed my mother, hopefully she's calling back soon, so I can visit her and she can dye my hair and I don't have to be at home all alone. o:
Njagnjanjkbgdjksf
I need to clean up the kitchen and my room properly, it's so messy all around here, I can't believe that I can live in such a chaos. I need to distract myself good.
I need to eat right and not getting drunk from cocktails and eating nachos and stuff -.- before he left, my darling bought fries for me. Now I feel sick in my stomach, argh. i shouldn't have eaten them. No more crap for me today.
I need to make plans for tonight....

Love<3
Bella

This is it!

Girls, I need some help.
Seriously.
I was doing fine with the HSGD yesterday, only went slightly over the 900 and having fruits and vegetables.
Today I was suprisingly very low with cals and managed to stay under the 800 even with Kinderchocolate untill I started to want more more more and eating Nougat. Argh! Seriously, whats wrong with my head?? Everytime I plan to eat not to much crap I binge though I normally wouldn't. I think my head is kidding. Or whoever makes me feel like eating this disgusting amout of cals. -.-

Help me, what can I do? I'll spend wednesday with my boyfriend since he goes to a festival on thursday. I will be alone [besides my one roommate but I hardly see my other roommates] and I don't know if  I'll pig out and eat mindless untill I feel gross or if I will avoid at all.
Maybe I can manage to stay out of the house and just eat one meal a day and then go out without returning home so I can't eat.
Sounds like some kind of a plan...
Aww I dunno
help me girls, you sure have some ideas.


xoxo<3
Bella

 

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 10

quickly following the

day 11 - a song from your favorite band 

 Mindless Self Indulgence  Faggot [Ultrasex]

I already told you about MSI and just how I like them and how crazy they are and this is just a song which makes me go crazy and dance around everywhere. ;D this is why I choose this song.

You should just put it on your mp3 player [no, not iPod!] turn up the volume and start dancing like crazy with a mop in your hand while cleaning. Things like that make life more fun(:

Kisses :*

Bella

 

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 9

Hey Ladies,

thanks so much for your supporting words Little Miss Thin, Mich and Sammy. <3 You're great.
I'm feeling better now but I know it's just because I avoid thinking about what happened. I'm quiet good at avoiding certain thoughts, alot of practise, y'know.

a late ...
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
there is nothing I could post about that. Since I have troubles with sleeping for ages, there is nothing like a song which could make me fall asleep. To be honest every kind of music can play when I'm really tired and I wouldn't mind. So no song for this topic, sorry.


Love <3
Bella

something bad happened, I think.
I already posted something desperate... well and it is worse now I think.
The first time in this whole year I thought that we might not be together untill we're old. It really sounds stupid hearing that from a 17 year old and maybe alot of people thought so and then split up after a certain time, but still this never let me doubt my desicion.
I was very sad and angry and cold at the time I figured this out and since my boyfriend was already really desperate because he messed up this day, I was getting even colder and told him, that we wont spend as much time together as we expected to. I didn't let this get on to me because I know this would just make me got a panic attack. I don't know where this thought came from and I was already sorry as I finished my sentence because I didn't want to hurt my Darling. He got even more desperate and told me he was carrying this knowledge for weeks and was afraid to talk about that with me.
I still don't know how I got away from that panic attack. Ours later it somehow catched me and I started crying immidately begging him not to leave me. He told me that he loves me and wants to spend as much time with me as possible and that I should not be afraid and mess up our time together because I'm scared of the day we'll break up. Even writing about this makes me want to scream. I can't explain what I feel now and I'm somewhere between clinging to him untill the last second, slowly distance myself from him and acting like everything is okay and not causing him any trouble, to be such a good girlfriend he wants to stay with me longer.
I just don't know what to do. I never loved someone this hard and I surely never will again. I had one relationship before this one and from the very first second I knew this would last longer than a few months and I didn't even cry about the breakup-text my ex sent me. yes, breakup-text, very charming. Not because I didn't care but simply because this wasn't love and I already knew.
I hated relationships ever since and just thought of myself as not able to form a relationship. Everything got upside down as I met my Darling and though we had fights I never doubt spending every second with him.
I feel like dieing when I repeat the words in my head ...already know this for weeks but was afraid of talking about it...
He said he really loves me like no one else before and he thinks that this will never change even when we would break up. I think in the end he will be the one breaking up with me and I will cling to a ruined relationship.
Of course everyone would say, you're still young, you're 17 and 22, you still have a whole life to live and you will meet other people and maybe fall in love again but I would never want that. I hated falling in love my whole live and even though I was more than totally in love with my Darling I wasn't happy about him confessing to me and later not that he asked me for a relationship. Always full of doubts I decided to trust him and to allow myseld to fall in love with him. For hearing after only one year that this relationship has no future? I really want to die just right now and there haven't been many times in my life where I really thought of dieing in this second. I always thought something is waiting for me. I though this for the past 5 years or so and now I'm wondering if this was what I was waiting for.

I don't know what to do, I don't know who to ask for advise, I know alot of people but there is no one in this world I really trust, not even myself. I have no friends because I don't stay in contact with them, I always sit in this more than messy room and don't move and eat and only wait for this one person in my life. I gave up on my life. I guess it wasn't something you would have trouble to leave behind.

Sometimes I miss the times when my trouble was hiding my alcohol consume and the fact that I'm high in front of my parents. I miss hoe'in around and the only trouble was hearing some bitches tattle about me. I miss the feeling of 'friendship' with some guys you just go out every night or hang out and get high. I miss not caring about someone so much.
But then again I know this didn't made me happy for a second. It  just distracted me from my life. And that's not good.


I would upload some pictures explaining what I feel like but blogger refuses to let me put anything in this post. I might add it later.

Desperately,
Bella

oh well

okay, we're not going out because he don't want to go out today, not that I would care because it's our aniversary, but I do care about the promise he made.
but just forget it, sit alone in your room and be hungry and don't go into the kitchen to cook something because your face looks awful from all the crying and you're afraid the roommates might come back from their vacation when you're going into the kitchen.
yay, this day made it into top 10 days-I-expected-to-be-good-but-arent in my whole live. but yeah, fuck it.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 9

Hey Ladies,
here follows the song for:


day 09 - a song that you can dance to 

Mindless Self Indulgence - Never Wanted to Dance

 If you didn't know the band untill know you missed alot of fun and braindamage.

They are...crazy. There is no other word, they are just crazy. Music, Voice, Look, Everything!

A friend sent me a few of their songs years a go and I immidately liked them. I got all their albums and I would love to have one of their crazy-ass weirdo shirts but you can't buy them in germay. One of my roommates has a few shirts of them. JEALOUSY! He even saw them live. DOUBLE JEALOUSY! That's where he got the shirts from. I wanna see them live soooo badly. I would even say they're my favourite band, I never get tired listening to them.

When went to this house [where I am now living] first time there was a party and I didn't know the people living here, I went here with some friends. Besides is was a theme-party and the theme was 'porn', the guys living in this house were dressed so crazy I couldn't believe it [and when something is crazy for me it's even over the standards of the averange].

And besides the little fact that I couldn't think of anything but sex by looking at one of the guys living here [now my boyfriend] they played MSI music and it was the very first time I ever heard their music on a party. I always wanted to go to a party where they would play MSI and I always talked about that with a friend and there it happened. That made the whole crazy-ass party even more sympathic.

Btw, it's not that I didn't fall in love with him immidately, but his charisma fascinated me from the very first second I looked him in the eyes. And I got this feeling of wanting him. But I'm sooo shy that I tried my very hardest to look him in the eyes when he walked past me [he looked at my severval times, I could see that he was interested. Maybe just because he didn't know me, I thought. Of course now I know better :D].

Aw again alot of text. 

I should call this 'Song Challenge with unnecessary long story about the song' or something. :D

have fun<3

Bella

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 8

Dear Readers,
yesterday was:

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to 

Silverstein - My Heroine [acoustic]

yeah well there are plenty of songs I know all the words to... but I choose this because...well I don't know it just came to my mind.
This is a really adorable song and I learned it together with one of my best friends, we sang it tgether on the phone or he played guitar and we were singing it and it just makes me smile (:
I also forced my little brother to learn it and he likes it to. This was one of the songs that lead him into 'the right direction' of music.
When he was 8/9 he was a big hiphop fan but I hated hiphop because it's no real music most of the time and so my cousins and me always kept bullying him about the hiphop music. But as he started being interessted in playing guitar, he learned that hiphop is not really music and because he wanted to play not-so-easy-peasy-songs he always played rock and metal and slowly got to like metal stuff and now hes 13 and plays guitar very well and even the harder-to-play-pieces of some bands. I'm proud :>

Have fun! :*
Bella

Healthy Skinny Girl Diet - Day 1

Hello Ladies,

today I start the HSGD and hopefully I will be able to do it well, even if I have a lot of distraction because summer holidays just started. (:

I had a late breakfast/lunch today, but that's good since it's my boyfriends' and my first aniversary and we go out for dinner, nothing special, just a small restaurant near our house, which opened last month, I think. I'm afraid that I might overdo it with calories and I have no clue what dishes they have and if I will be able to find a vegetarian dish which is not just fries or something like that.

My intake so far: 
1 Bowl of Salad with Dressing: ~100cals
1 Slice of Bread: ~ 105cals


this gives me 695 cals to work with for dinner. 
I just have to keep myself from eating all the kinder chocolate bars. ;D
Just in case I can't find something with low cals, I should drink half a litre of water before we go [after that I will see the toilet for about 4378578943 times...] and eat a carrot or something with nearly no cals.

Aww and I promised my boyfriend to make popcorn. He eats it with salt and butter. But I like sweet popcorn much more. Does someone knows a sweet, lower calorie topping for popcorn? Not splenda because I don't have liquid sweeteners, only little sweetener pills. Any suggestions?

However, hopefully you're all doing well<3
Bella

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 7

The next day is following:

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event 

Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love

this was kinda hard... there would have been so many songs I would have put in here but this is the first that came to my mind. When I was just 14 I more or less accidently joined the ensemble of my schools musical group and we played 'We Will Rock You' ever since I have such a special feeling when I hear any song from the musical. It was the most...[how do you call it when something changes your life completely in a positive way with alot of chaos and happyness and pain and everthing?] precious time I can remember when I finally started to live again. It was amazingly scary and... well yeah I guess you know that it was very special for me. I absolutely love the musical and I already went to 'We Will Rock You' Germany to see it live on stage and I loved it. If I could choose what memories I want to live again, they would be very in the top5 definitely. Though I know that pain evaporates with the time, I remember blurry how much 'in pain' I was because of that change. You have to know that I was like a lifeless wrack for severval moths/years at that time, I can not remember anything from before because I didn't actually do anything. I just go to school, talking to my few friends, going home, eating, sometimes making homework and then... nothing. I just dont know how I spend like half of the day without doing anything. It's mysterious.

So my life changed 180° degrees and the lifeless-apathic-zombie-bella was suddenly thrown in some kind of crazy group with a lot of loud, weird people I normally would like and yet still so nice and all were hugging and kissing each other and after a few meeting doing that even to me... it was kinda shocked but I was okay with this after a short time.

Yeah I think I sound very weird if you look at my past like this.

Well weirdness is something normal in blogger-world so I have no problems with sharing that.

 

I love you all<3

Bella

 

 

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 6

So here I update for friday, it was


day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere 

Rise Against - Hero Of War

This has absolute nothing to do with the text and I could have put Scars by Papa Roach here as well.
It reminds me of my scottland holidays last summer, we used to sing those two songs together, as well as some other songs but this were the best ones. Every time I look at the pictures from back then I want to go back. It wasn't as hard being apart from my boyfriend back then because I didn't love him back than. It was all so dream like, I immidately made a new friend just on the 26-hours-bus-trip, she and her cousin were new to our group. since the people travelling with that group were alot of people from my old school and people who had travelled to sweden the year before with the same group, we already know each other. My ex was also there and we suddenly managed to stop our fights and became friends. Yeah and about the friend, she was very different from what I am, with friends and living and everything but we just got along very well it was just so much fun, we were like, thinking the same thing at the same time and saying it out loud and then just can't stop laughing.
A few members of the group met afterwards a few times and it's always great but I would love to go with them to another holiday. Sadly, the festival I absolutely want to go to is in the middle of the date for the finnland trip this year so I'm not going there. But next year they'll travel to Ireland and I definitely want to go there and I hope the girl and her cousin are also coming along, without them it just wouldn't be the same. (:
Oh I was writing alot again. I'm in a babbling mood I guess. 

Have fun<3
Bella 

I'm sorry I didn't felt like blogging yesterday

Ladies,
Sorry that I'm that late but I went to work on friday and after that to musical rehearsal and after that I fell asleep and slept untill 2 o'clock this afternoon. Ah well and I had a really really bad fight with my boyfriend friday night, mostly because I was feeling very bad inflammation in my throat [I have no clue how you call that two things you can see in the back of your throat...in german it the same word as 'almonds'].
However we wanted to go to a birthday party but I wasn't able because of my condition and I took a few painkillers so I could at least talk. I said that it would be heartless if he would leave me at home all alone when I'm that ill and that I would never do that to him [which is really true] but he kept insisting that I should just sleep and, ah whatever.
In the end I cried alot, sending him away but he already canceled his plans [I still dont know what he said to his friends] and being sorry and the next day when I was awake acting all weird and distanced and cold, thanks alot, now I feel much more loved then when you wanted to leave me alone at home when I felt so terrible.
Somehow in between I managed to scratch my arm with a knife. I don't know why, I never used to harm my body when I felt like dying or something and it disturbed me that I had this desire and gave in. This only happend once before when we had a fight but he had't noticed it because I scratched myself with my fingernails and it looked more 'natural'.
Of course I hide it from him because he would get very angry, like he got when I told him that its painful to feel everyday that your beloved person doesn't love you that much back and that my whole life depends on this love. This sounds really dramatical and I feel stupid while writing it but I'm such an addict, I can't help, I just made my whole existence circle around him. He asked me what I lived for before we met and I honestly told him that I had no reason to live. I used to think that there is nothing that holds me to my life but also that there has to be something that I'm living for in the future. So it is now and this something gets pissed/scared/angry because he's the reason for my life now.
Yeah whatever I need to get that off my chest. Monday is our first years aniversary, hooray. And our two roommates are coming back today I think. And he's leaving for a festival somewhen in the middle of the week...I'm so gonna get drunk or high everyday. And maybe don't eat as much...
Btw, I'm starting the Diet on monday because I kind of pigged out with food on saturday, I went out grocery shopping and started iimmidately eating the non-vegan things. I had about 1200cals I think, but nothing very nutritious and my stomach feels very bad and I know this is connected to eating dairy products again. I had some mozzarella, haha. And Kinder Chocolate. But only 3 little bars by now. Maybe my body knows it's gonna kill him if I eat more diary now. [and no, I don't have a diary intolerance, it's just that human bodys get used to live without it pretty quick because it's unnatural for us to consume diary]

Ah I have been talking a lot of crap, I'm sorry. I will update the song challenge now.
Kisses :*
Bella

not really happy

Hello Ladies,

I haven't posted about the vegan thing lately.
I have to admid that I feel more disgusted everytime I see and read what industry does to non-human animals.
It's a shame that so many people have no clue what happens or just don't care. They even say vegans are freaks.
I would like to slap their face every time they say something like that.

But still I decided not to stay vegan because I can feel how it affects my mind and I'm not happy with it because I miss some food. I know, how can someone be so weak missing food... but it's really new to me since I never missed any meat. It's really the opposite, I'm disgusted by the smell and the look.

But I miss cheese. I dont eat much cheese, and only light-tasting cheese like buttercheese or cream cheese. I could live without creamcheese I guess. But I can hardly live without normal, light-tasting cheese like the one I put on pizza or lasagne and I can't live without mozzarella. I could eat mozzarella with nearly everthing and along with my fav pasta I wouldn't need something else.
I'm disappointed with myself about that.
I wish I would like eating vegan more.
I feel stupid about writing how I miss Mozzarella u_u'
Still I think something is wrong because I got some insane cravings and even some kind of a meat craving [it was seitan sausage which tasted a little bit like animal sausage] and ate it with ketup and felt gross after eating two of them in a rush.
Indeed they are delicious but somehow that I thought of it as meat scared me. Normally this never happens and I really think the vegan-thing is affecting my mind.

The vegan-fast will end this weekend, since monday is my boyfriends and my first aniversary and we're going out for dinner. Nothing special or pricey, just something we never did before. It's mostly impossible to find something vegan at a normal restaurant so I don't want to mess up this date with that.

We will go grocery shopping on saturday. There are two things I'm gonna buy.
Mozzarella.
aaand.

Kinder Chocolate Bars!

because this is the most fucking delicious chocolate in the world. I swear, no oh-so-expensive chocolate is that good.
Since I have to be careful with diary because I don't know what it'll do to my stomach, I have to give them to my boyfriend so I won't eat them all at once. Normally when I somehow get them [I dont buy them because I know what happens, but some people give them to me as a present] I eat them one by one in an hour or two, depending on my mood or if I have someone around me.

 here you can see how I act around Kinder Chocolate... this picture might be inspired by a certain blogger.
But I'm not that good so it's just a poor imitation but I think you get what I mean about this chocolate.

Wow I said alot of unecessary thing nobody wants to know and thats why I stop writing now.
I'm bored.
But I can't go to sleep because I'm not tired by now and in 1,5 hours I have to get up, go buy some things and prepare some chocolate-cheesecake brownies for the theater people.
I'm such a nice girl and I'm going to bite my ass if I eat the brownies myself. Nyarghfdvbjhf.

Oh well, good night :* <3

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 5

Dear ladies,
why do I always post that late at night?
However, this is

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone 

Of course alot of songs remind me of someone but I think this song is really a soundtrack. It has been a soundtrack for my ex and me, it got our soundtrack in some kind of epic, perfect moment.
After a really bad fight months after we broke up this song made my very sad so I always skipped it when my mp3 player played it but refused to delete it. I was some kind of thing you have to get over after a certain time.
Now, years later my ex and me are somehow friends. We don't see each other because we live in two different cities [not so far away but still] but sometimes we write messages like tonight. Just some random stuff. He is still someone special to me in some ways but it's not that I love/loved him. He was a very bad boyfriend. I'm the typical victim that looks for a arrogant boyfriend who treats her badly and thinks she deserves it. I'm so lucky my boyfriend is such a sweetheart and treats me like a princess.
Well after everything that happened between my ex and me, even though our relationships didn't last more than 4-5 month, we're still connected in a way. I think if you know someone for a few years and alot happens between you, you wont forget that ever.
But I don't want to forget. I learned so much trough this experiences so I'm just grateful.

Oh I'm rambling....
whatevery, have a good night ladies<3
Bella 

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 4

Hello to my 27 wonderful readers!<3

Today:
day 04 - a song that makes you sad

Bullet for my Valentine - The End

Why this song?
Well I was looking for a song which made me sad without triggering something sad. I have a lot of songs I can't listen to in public because I might start crying suddenly, because it triggers some burried memories. This song is not connected to a special memory or feeling. I loved BFMV when I was about 11/12 it was my absolute favourite group. I had the album 'the Poison' but I was only listening to my favs all the time till one day when suddenly this song started. I was somehow paralyzed and dazed and I really wanted to cry. This was the very first time I can remember this kind of feeling. In this time crying was not a thing I would do because crying would mean a strong feeling which I didn't had at this time. That's why I was very confused by the feeling this song caused.
Now I'm oversensitive and this isn't funny either but at least I'm not so dumb anymore.

Have fun & feel free to join the contest(:

Lots of Love<3
Bella