Ladies,
Sorry that I'm that late but I went to work on friday and after that to musical rehearsal and after that I fell asleep and slept untill 2 o'clock this afternoon. Ah well and I had a really really bad fight with my boyfriend friday night, mostly because I was feeling very bad inflammation in my throat [I have no clue how you call that two things you can see in the back of your throat...in german it the same word as 'almonds'].
However we wanted to go to a birthday party but I wasn't able because of my condition and I took a few painkillers so I could at least talk. I said that it would be heartless if he would leave me at home all alone when I'm that ill and that I would never do that to him [which is really true] but he kept insisting that I should just sleep and, ah whatever.
In the end I cried alot, sending him away but he already canceled his plans [I still dont know what he said to his friends] and being sorry and the next day when I was awake acting all weird and distanced and cold, thanks alot, now I feel much more loved then when you wanted to leave me alone at home when I felt so terrible.
Somehow in between I managed to scratch my arm with a knife. I don't know why, I never used to harm my body when I felt like dying or something and it disturbed me that I had this desire and gave in. This only happend once before when we had a fight but he had't noticed it because I scratched myself with my fingernails and it looked more 'natural'.
Of course I hide it from him because he would get very angry, like he got when I told him that its painful to feel everyday that your beloved person doesn't love you that much back and that my whole life depends on this love. This sounds really dramatical and I feel stupid while writing it but I'm such an addict, I can't help, I just made my whole existence circle around him. He asked me what I lived for before we met and I honestly told him that I had no reason to live. I used to think that there is nothing that holds me to my life but also that there has to be something that I'm living for in the future. So it is now and this something gets pissed/scared/angry because he's the reason for my life now.
Yeah whatever I need to get that off my chest. Monday is our first years aniversary, hooray. And our two roommates are coming back today I think. And he's leaving for a festival somewhen in the middle of the week...I'm so gonna get drunk or high everyday. And maybe don't eat as much...
Btw, I'm starting the Diet on monday because I kind of pigged out with food on saturday, I went out grocery shopping and started iimmidately eating the non-vegan things. I had about 1200cals I think, but nothing very nutritious and my stomach feels very bad and I know this is connected to eating dairy products again. I had some mozzarella, haha. And Kinder Chocolate. But only 3 little bars by now. Maybe my body knows it's gonna kill him if I eat more diary now. [and no, I don't have a diary intolerance, it's just that human bodys get used to live without it pretty quick because it's unnatural for us to consume diary]
Ah I have been talking a lot of crap, I'm sorry. I will update the song challenge now.
Kisses :*
Bella
The word in english I believe you're looking for is tonsils. :)
AntwortenLöschenI'm sorry about the argument you had with your boyfriend. Sometimes you need to get into fights so you know what you're up against in the long run - especially if you can see yourself with him for the rest of your life.
And you're right about the dairy thing. We are all born lactose intolerant (which is why newborns can't have cow's milk), but since we develop an immunity to it, we all drink it like cows. lol.
Your crap is fine, girl. Let it out! That's what your blog is for. :)