something bad happened, I think.
I already posted something desperate... well and it is worse now I think.
The first time in this whole year I thought that we might not be together untill we're old. It really sounds stupid hearing that from a 17 year old and maybe alot of people thought so and then split up after a certain time, but still this never let me doubt my desicion.
I was very sad and angry and cold at the time I figured this out and since my boyfriend was already really desperate because he messed up this day, I was getting even colder and told him, that we wont spend as much time together as we expected to. I didn't let this get on to me because I know this would just make me got a panic attack. I don't know where this thought came from and I was already sorry as I finished my sentence because I didn't want to hurt my Darling. He got even more desperate and told me he was carrying this knowledge for weeks and was afraid to talk about that with me.
I still don't know how I got away from that panic attack. Ours later it somehow catched me and I started crying immidately begging him not to leave me. He told me that he loves me and wants to spend as much time with me as possible and that I should not be afraid and mess up our time together because I'm scared of the day we'll break up. Even writing about this makes me want to scream. I can't explain what I feel now and I'm somewhere between clinging to him untill the last second, slowly distance myself from him and acting like everything is okay and not causing him any trouble, to be such a good girlfriend he wants to stay with me longer.
I just don't know what to do. I never loved someone this hard and I surely never will again. I had one relationship before this one and from the very first second I knew this would last longer than a few months and I didn't even cry about the breakup-text my ex sent me. yes, breakup-text, very charming. Not because I didn't care but simply because this wasn't love and I already knew.
I hated relationships ever since and just thought of myself as not able to form a relationship. Everything got upside down as I met my Darling and though we had fights I never doubt spending every second with him.
I feel like dieing when I repeat the words in my head ...already know this for weeks but was afraid of talking about it...
He said he really loves me like no one else before and he thinks that this will never change even when we would break up. I think in the end he will be the one breaking up with me and I will cling to a ruined relationship.
Of course everyone would say, you're still young, you're 17 and 22, you still have a whole life to live and you will meet other people and maybe fall in love again but I would never want that. I hated falling in love my whole live and even though I was more than totally in love with my Darling I wasn't happy about him confessing to me and later not that he asked me for a relationship. Always full of doubts I decided to trust him and to allow myseld to fall in love with him. For hearing after only one year that this relationship has no future? I really want to die just right now and there haven't been many times in my life where I really thought of dieing in this second. I always thought something is waiting for me. I though this for the past 5 years or so and now I'm wondering if this was what I was waiting for.

I don't know what to do, I don't know who to ask for advise, I know alot of people but there is no one in this world I really trust, not even myself. I have no friends because I don't stay in contact with them, I always sit in this more than messy room and don't move and eat and only wait for this one person in my life. I gave up on my life. I guess it wasn't something you would have trouble to leave behind.

Sometimes I miss the times when my trouble was hiding my alcohol consume and the fact that I'm high in front of my parents. I miss hoe'in around and the only trouble was hearing some bitches tattle about me. I miss the feeling of 'friendship' with some guys you just go out every night or hang out and get high. I miss not caring about someone so much.
But then again I know this didn't made me happy for a second. It  just distracted me from my life. And that's not good.


I would upload some pictures explaining what I feel like but blogger refuses to let me put anything in this post. I might add it later.

Desperately,
Bella