Every Night and Every Day ...

I feel very paranoiac.
I'm already used to fear alot of things, its so normal for me, sometimes I mention it around other people who give me weird looks.
Since the first aniversary of my boyfriend and me I got a new fear.
Every time I wake up, I'm scared he had left me and every night I go to sleep I'm afraid of him leaving me.
Because we found out we wouldnt be together for such a long time as we thought. This thought hurts so much I cant even type it without crying.
I really dont know what to do. I'm so scared that I wish to follow him everywhere and never be without him, but of course that would annoy him after a while. So I'm scared of clinging to him because I might be annoying.
Then I think, I should just end it now, before it hurts much more, but I'm way to weak to do something like this. I really thought I got stronger and my mind got clearer and I wouldnt struggle with reality and depression, but I just made myself an addict, unable to live without his love.
He said, we would be best friends if our relationship ends.
I said, if he really wants to do something good he should never see me again, because I know myself too well, I know I would use every chance I get to get near him and I would do everything to make him want me back. And when I say everything, I really mean it. There is nothing I can imagine I wouldnt do for him. And then my life would be all about how to be with him all the time. I would never let that go, and thats why we couldnt be friends. I could never feel the same for him as I do for my best friends, because I never have fallen in love with them.
I hate thinking about that and I know I make everything worse by thinking about it but I really cant stop. The only thing I can try is to think it secretly, write it on my blog, cry when he's asleep and smile when he's awake.
There is no other way.
I don't know what to do.
I really cant see any way this would work out.
Someone come and save me.

Oh well, I dont have anyone to save me. Thats no self-pity, thats just true. I never had someone I trusted so much, the person I trust the most is the problem and so there is no way I could ask for help.
I wish I could get some pills which make me dull and feeling nothing. Without a therapy.
I need to see my doctor... someone told me about good sleeping pills which make you cold as ice. This is something I really need to fall asleep, I guess. But my doctor always try to solve problems with analysing and not only with giving some meds. I will need a trick.

If someone reads this crap, please dont tell me to go to a therapy. I heard this quite often but there is no way I could trust a therapist. I hate telling things about me. The only way I can manage to talk about myself here is that nobody ever knows who I am. I guess I would have to kill myself if someone ever finds this blog. Nearly everthing written down here is a big big secret nobody knows about, besides you, my lovely readers.

Thanks for everyone who reads what I'm writing and supports me. You are wonderful. <3
Bella