I am so sorry

Dear ladies,
I havent blogged in many days and I'm really sorry about that, I'm a bad blogger and I dont deserve that all my 28 readers stayed with me. Thanks alot..<3
I have no excuse, in the beginning I didn't get a chance because I slept like a normal person, I guess, so there wasnt enough time.
Things are okay right now, I'm not doing the HSGD since the festival I went to but I try to stay with 1000cals.
I started working at my father's. This is something everyone thought would be impossible, including me, but it's really working. It's really fun, it's a familiar environment for me and yeah I like working there and I also earn a little money(:
I think I catched a cold and I'm on my period now, so my body isn't in the best condicion but I can deal with it.
Tonight I stayed at home because my Darling didnt felt well too so we just cuddled a little and he slept most of the time.
While I was bored because he fell asleep again I started looking through facebook, trying to find a possibility to see all the different albums my friends uploaded without checking out their profiles. There isn't one, I think.
As I have seen different albums I found the album of the finland holydays of a friend. I really think I should have gone with them on this vacation and the festival wasn't worth staying in germany.
While I was looking through the pictures I noticed the 'ugly' parts of my friends and people I know. eww fat legs, eww spots in her face, eww his hair looks ugly, etc. First I was worried why I think this but then I somehow thought I will be better. Next year, I will be with them and I will be the most beautiful and perfect girl of our group. My hair will be even longer than now, so that I have the longest hair, I will be thinner so I dont look like a fatty, I will look good in every picture and even when I'm waking up without makeup in the morning!
I know I can do this and this is realistic if I really try it. Okay, maybe not the party about the most beautiful and perfect girl, but still.
I already know I cant be the skinniest girl, no matter how much weight I loose because there are two younger girls who are really like dolls, very very petite, I guess they're at least under 105lbs, the smaller one something between 90-97lbs. I dont know if it's natural, I didnt talk to them very much, but they're nice girls. But their faces aren't as perfect as their figures. At least something that makes me believe they're not aliens from outer space. ;)
I wanted to share this collage with you, I made it a few moths ago and it was my desktop background picture but I was afraid my boyfriend would ask strange questions, so I removed it and put a picture of Skin's Cassie there instead(:

click it (;

I'll answer your comments in a separate post after I catched up on your blogs!(:


lots of love and kisses :* <3
Bella

Every Night and Every Day ...

I feel very paranoiac.
I'm already used to fear alot of things, its so normal for me, sometimes I mention it around other people who give me weird looks.
Since the first aniversary of my boyfriend and me I got a new fear.
Every time I wake up, I'm scared he had left me and every night I go to sleep I'm afraid of him leaving me.
Because we found out we wouldnt be together for such a long time as we thought. This thought hurts so much I cant even type it without crying.
I really dont know what to do. I'm so scared that I wish to follow him everywhere and never be without him, but of course that would annoy him after a while. So I'm scared of clinging to him because I might be annoying.
Then I think, I should just end it now, before it hurts much more, but I'm way to weak to do something like this. I really thought I got stronger and my mind got clearer and I wouldnt struggle with reality and depression, but I just made myself an addict, unable to live without his love.
He said, we would be best friends if our relationship ends.
I said, if he really wants to do something good he should never see me again, because I know myself too well, I know I would use every chance I get to get near him and I would do everything to make him want me back. And when I say everything, I really mean it. There is nothing I can imagine I wouldnt do for him. And then my life would be all about how to be with him all the time. I would never let that go, and thats why we couldnt be friends. I could never feel the same for him as I do for my best friends, because I never have fallen in love with them.
I hate thinking about that and I know I make everything worse by thinking about it but I really cant stop. The only thing I can try is to think it secretly, write it on my blog, cry when he's asleep and smile when he's awake.
There is no other way.
I don't know what to do.
I really cant see any way this would work out.
Someone come and save me.

Oh well, I dont have anyone to save me. Thats no self-pity, thats just true. I never had someone I trusted so much, the person I trust the most is the problem and so there is no way I could ask for help.
I wish I could get some pills which make me dull and feeling nothing. Without a therapy.
I need to see my doctor... someone told me about good sleeping pills which make you cold as ice. This is something I really need to fall asleep, I guess. But my doctor always try to solve problems with analysing and not only with giving some meds. I will need a trick.

If someone reads this crap, please dont tell me to go to a therapy. I heard this quite often but there is no way I could trust a therapist. I hate telling things about me. The only way I can manage to talk about myself here is that nobody ever knows who I am. I guess I would have to kill myself if someone ever finds this blog. Nearly everthing written down here is a big big secret nobody knows about, besides you, my lovely readers.

Thanks for everyone who reads what I'm writing and supports me. You are wonderful. <3
Bella

Festival

Soooorry Girls, for my abscence! Ich couldn't post before I left for a festival and I didn't had any alone time on the pc since I'm back.
Festival was sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible, I will write about that later. Foodwise I was doing bad, I think, the 3 girls which were with me are eating ALL THE TIME [all are thinner than me] and I really mean all the time. So I was eating all the time too. I wasn't hungry one time at the whole festival because I was eatingeatingeating. At home, I struggle with eating normally and more healthy, I always want fatty food like fries, veggieburgers, pizza and sweets like cake, chocolate and cookies. I haven't eaten all that stuff but still my stomach really feels weak. I bought a pumpkin-seed bread, so I dont have to eat sandwich for breakfast.
And I have a lower-fat-feta so I might eat half the cheese for dinner or something.
I'm alone right now, because my boyfriend is at his fathers again, like yesterday. I went with him because I didnt want to be alone at home but today I decided it's better to stay home and give him some alone time with his father. *sigh* now I'm at home and I know I wont leave the house *sigh* but I cant contact anyone, I feel like everyone is somewhere outside, and only I am stuck in the house.

Aww and dont forget to add me at AIM, my name is BellaMeowMeow

Kisses :*
Bella

message with blogger-ladies? - yesss

Hey Ladies,

first of all, Cocktails Night was great, not to many cals and not too drunk, but had bad bad fight with my boyfriend afterwards. He's really loud and he ran out of my room and shouted some things. I went after him and took him back to my room but his best friend+girlfriend heared him. I was really sad because he was so angry. But he cooled down really quick.
But somehow I think he's a little theatralic when he drank some alcohol. He always says it not like this but I can really see the difference.
Nothing bad happend and we cuddled afterwards and thought about how we could stop this stupid fighting. I know, sometimes you have to fight, but not like this.

Well, afterall I'm doing okay with HSGD, sometimes I'm a little over my limit, but no binge or overeating.(:
I think I will weight myself on monday,  since tonight we have a party and tomorrow I don't want to weight myself with all the alcohol and stuff. So Monday Morning I will see if I was really doing okay. If I lost more than 1kg/2lbs, I will meassure myself again properly. I will also meassure my hips and my upper bust and maybe somewhere under my knee [I want tiny legs!].
I took a picture of me in underwear last month or so but I hid it somewhere and I can't remember where... maybe on the other cam, maybe on this computer, maybe on the other computer or maybe on my external harddrive? aww ): I have to search for it!

And finally...
I created an AIM account!
my name is BellaMeowMeow
add me!
I'm not able to find any of you by username, I do something wrong but I dont know what... help! o:
I dont know if I can be online so much, because my boyfriend would notice that I use another program [normally I use Trillian Astra and I can use all my messenger accounts at once, but my Icq account allows me accsess to AIM so I can't have another username. So I had to install an extra programm, AIM, to chat with you. Please add me, I'm so excited!]

Kisses :*
Bella

Hey Ladies,
I haven't been on blogger two days, 3 new readers and I was like uaaah, no way, so many!
I'm very happy about that. (: (: (:
The last few days weren't really good, I didn't count cals because I was over the limit and I felt very bad. I have been at home all the time, this is just bad for me.
But if I know my boyfriend is coming home or is at home I never leave the house... I have to do something about this.
He mentioned a few times that I do much more things when he's away and he's right but I don't know why. /= I'll find a way to manage things better.


Tonight [wednesday] I'll go out with my boyfriend and a few friends to drink cocktails. I love cocktails. But they're full of cals and I want to try to stay under my limit. I have to eat something low cal but enough to fill my stomach before we go to the bar - otherwise I will be drunk after one cocktail and start eating crap. [carving for salte&fatty food, you know]

I'll try to stick with the fruity, juicy ones, which don't contain milk or cream, so they're not so fatty.
But still full of cals, so I better find out which ones are lower in cals. I don't want to miss anything because of HSGD otherwise I will start pigging out, I know it.
Just a little restriction would be good for me.
And I know, I can do that.
Research on the internet for cals in cocktails will start right after posting, I hope.

btw, I love pictures of cocktails.
I could stare at them forever.
They're simply so beautyful!
of course not all of them, but really alot I found.

Hope you girls are alright, love you<3
Bella

look at this one in full size, it's much more amazing.

   

boring

why is nobody on blogger?
No one comments, no one posts. booooring. It' sunday!

Found some test I want to do too.


I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast [more a diet, the HSGD]

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


APPEARANCE -
[] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses 
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip


RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.


SEXUALITY -
[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.


HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[] I weigh myself daily (-ish)
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat [dependng on what I eat]
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[] I’ve spit food out
[] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion


I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[x] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other


[x] I keep my eating habits a secret from those around me
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone [my boyfriend]
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

so well yeah that's it. Now you know alot of unecessary things about me, if you bothered to read what I wrote. (: 
have a nice sunday<3
Bella

picture of meeee

well yeah I was in a mood to do something stupid.
This is double stupid because its a ulgy picture and thats funny and stupid because I'm reckless and post a picture of myself though I'm so scared of being found out. But I think I can hide myself like this, at least for most of the people who know me.
:D
Sorry for the emotionless face but since I have a half dried healing earth mask on my face and cant twich a muscle in my face.
And in the left corner of my face you can see a little bit of black hair dye color which isn't gone yet. :D
Well hopefully it entertaining to see such a stupid picture, now I feel like I'm doing more fore my followers, like the other lovely bloggers here<3

omfg Ladiiiies

I went in the bathroom to check if the scale is working again and it showed me 61.9kg/136.5lbs O:
I can't believe that so I have to check my measurements. I know that the scale might be showing wrong stuff again but normally it only shows 10kg/22lbs less than you normally weight.
I'm still not sure if it works to check my measurments and I can't believe that I lost nearly 3kg/6lbs...
Okay I'll measure myself now.

Old:
[under]ust: 81cm / 31.9in
Waist: 79cm / 31in
Hips Lower Waist: 97cm / 38in
Tight: 56cm / 22in

New:
[under]Bust: 80cm / 31.5in
Waist: 74cm /  29.1in   <<< omg! Normally I have NO waist, this means, no smallest part x)
Hips Lower Waist: 94cm / 37in   <<< I wrote hips but I actually meant lower waist [two fingers below navel]
Tight: 55cm / 21.7in


okay girls, I definitely lost something! yay! Finally! I can't believe it! That so superawesome! Though I'm somehow sad that I'm still that fat, along time ago I had 60kg/130lbs as a goal weight but if I look at myself now, I think I really have to get under that.
But still, I lost weight!!!
Well sorry if this sounds so stupid to you girls who really do alot and already lost a ton of weight or those who did much better than me and hasn't lost yet, but I'm soooo happy!
I can't believe that this happens only because I tried [and also failed] this for a few days. HSGD I love you!(:

before I posted about the bbq. I went over there and they already finished the bby and were drinking [I knew they started early in the afternoon and I arrived at 8.30pm]. I are a small piece of a cherry-cake and started drinking, but nothing with too many cals and since I didn't eat I had enough cals to work with. Later I had a few crisps but only a handful and was satisfied. It was wounderful(: And one of my best friends, who I really miss, came over later because one of his friends was there too. This really made me happy because we hadn't seen each other for weeks and the evening before we talked on the phone and it was really great. Untill I moved out last november I used to talk to him on the phone every night.
I talked to the girl where I stayed over the night all night long and so we didn't sleep at all but it was fun (;
The next morning I ate what I brought for the bbq with some bread and this were about 300cals but that was ok.^^
After that I went back to the city to meet my mother, I need a special lightbulb so we bought that and then I went with her to my parents house. She asked me before if I wanted something to eat at the city but I denied it, because I knew that would be too much cals. *proud* at my parents home we had something like paella [not a real paella, just rice with various veggies] I ate two portions, but rather small. I was very full afterwards, but still in my cals limit.

I hat two pieces of profiterole as a dessert, but I can't resist them and if I would say no my parents would think I'm ill or something x)
But saturday is 1100cals day and I didn't go over it and I'm proud.
I feel that my problem are the days I spend in my bed.
My darling was away so I tried to go out as much as possible, I didn't buy anything to eat, ate at home, felt well and I didn't starve at all.(: *proud again*
If I can manage to go to the gym, everthing would be very perfect.
I think seeing a real difference just from a bit of watching what I eat really motivates me.
I keep going, yay!(:

Today I cooked some pasta with pesto-sauce, that about 450cals, really much for some of you, I know, but I'm okay with that, because I have another 1100 cals day today and so I eat the higher-caks-dishes on weekends(:
I think I need to plan a feel meals for the next days so I know what to buy and how to use only a little amount of cals and not eating junk food because I don't know what else to eat.(:
I'm smiling the whole time, lol. :D

good luck with your food-affairs, everyone<3
Bella


 

It's ENOUGH, WTF AM I DOING

something I wrote last night:

Ladies,
this is serious.
I'm not allowed to do anything stupid anymore.
I didn't to well with the hsgd and this has to stop NOW. I have to realize that.
It's not something I can do all the time, I have to stay strong and eat whats good for me. Really.
I need someone to support me. Just tell me how gross it is to eat all this stuff. I feel lime vomiting. But this wont happen because of my big fear of vomiting.. I haven't done this for the last 4/5 years...even if it was necessary in some cases, I always kept it inside me. I wish I wouldn't. But I don't want to binge and purge...just being able to purge if it's necessary because of the pain in my stomach.
Whatever, no time to ramble.
Tomorrow I will go to a BBQ. I will bring my own veggie stuff but I don't know about the salads...hopefully they're not totally soaked with dressing. Just in case I should make a salad myself.... but I don't know if I have something to transport it because I have to take the bus and run around in the city with that bowl... aah I'm not sure what to do. Help me.

And how about staying in real-time contact with the blogger girls? Why not creating a skype account or yahoo messenger or something so that we could write there? Got this idea from Camilles Blog because she talked about a ED Facebook Account but I'm way to scared that fb will know everything.

...I'm so random.

I love all of you girls who read my blog and support me<3
Bella