feeling sick but staying strong?

hey ladies,
I'm at work right now and I feel sick but I drag myself to work because I have to. And I'm proud of it. Seems stupid, I know, but its sth like an archievment for me because I always used excuses to avoid going to school/work just because I didnt feel well. But I never really feel well if I have to get up in the morning, so this kept on going worse, but now I at work and I'm gonna do this properly.
I feel like this is my last chance of doing something with my life.

When I started blogging I just changed school after having very bad marks in 10th grade. I was going to a fashion school but I was totally in the wrong course, a bunch of annoying bitches were my classmates and the teachers where kinda scary psychos. I was good at most subjects because it was easy but my classmates slowly started making me feel very uncomfortable and bullying me for no real reason. People just dont like me. Even though I always try so hard.
After that I worked a few months at the theatre and as the next year started I was continuing school (11th grade) at a different school. this was the first time I had a nice class. They were mostly a little younger than me and I thought before that would become a problem, but it wasnt. Of course I wasnt one of the crowd, but I made two friends, a guy and a girl, both two years older than me and theyre really great. I could get along with most of my classmates, thats something I didnt have before.
But my stupid depression and anxiety werr dragging me down, so after a few months I couldnt go to school and I was really sad because I couldnt go back after missing some weeks of school because it was too difficult to catch up with the lessons.
enough of the rant.

I havent eaten anything so far today and I really shouldnt because I got trouble to stop eating when I'm full for the last two weeks or so. I dont know why because I didnt overeat usually because I naturally stopped. Now I have to be careful. I'm considering splitting my meals into really small portions so I am not able to overeat.

Love.
Bella

I cant seem to update regulary...

...not that it's something new.

well since nobody messaged me about the photomanip. I guess nobody is interested or nobody read it.

however I still wanna show what I meant.

its older work from when I was just trying and learning and I've gotten better by now, but I only got this to show here so I hope you know what I was talking about.
If anyones interested, please let me know.

lots of love. ♥

anyone interested in getting their pictures edited? (:

Somehow I feel like I dont have enough time for everything I want to do... like posting.

yesterday I had an appointment at my gynaecologist and she gave me a new birth control pill because I'm always in such heavy pain when I'm on my period. I'm kinda scared of the new pill because I might gain weight from the hormones and I definitely dont want that! I'm totally gonna weight myself every day to see if something changes, even though I normally afraid to weight myself /: last time is already a few weeks ago, at the end of august I think, that was 3 weeks after I came home from Ireland and I was terribly afraid that I gained because the group I traveled with has german traditional grandma who cooks the food and its aaaall fatfatfat and instant-stuff, no fresh fruit or veggies. /: I ate mostly fruits and some veggies when I came home and after 3 weeks I dared to weight myself and I was 140.5lbs so it was normal (but not good!)

I'm at work right now and I'm soooo bored. I'm alone today for 10hours and I had like 5 customers...booooring!

Soooo if you'd like to help me, I got a great idea (;

I'm working at a photographer and I'm learning how to use Photoshop.

Soo every reader of my blog: send me a picture of yourself! aaand I'm gonna make you look a little slimmer than you actualy are so you can see how you look with a few lbs less!  (:

If you dont know what I mean, check out my post somewhen in feb. where I posted a picture of me with black clothes, one the original and one how I'd like to look on somewhere on my way to thinness.

If you'd like me to do that for you, send me an email to bellamieze@web.de with you picture.

a few guidelines though, because otherwise I wont be able to do it right.

the picture should have a neutral background, so please no stuff near your body, and no doorframes and stuff like that. otherwise it would get moved around when I'm working on the bodyshape and that looks stupid.

face can be on the picture, but doesnt have to, just the body is important.

some poses are hard to work on, like for example when your just standing frontal to the cam, with your arms hangig. rather put your hands in your hair, just pose a little, that makes it easier to reach every part of the body.

I hope you girls understood everything I tried to say, and I'd be honoured if someone wants me to edit their picture (:

love love love <3

btw, listen to this song:

♥

party and low kcal?

I wanted to post something yesterday, and I'll put it in here later.

today I had to work from 10am till 5pm and my co-worker and me had to take pictures of each other for the shops website and it was a real hard job for him because I'm so difficult and dont feel well with having my pictures taken by someone. but I managed to find one that I was okay with. I'd like to show it to you girls but I'm not allowed to have the pic /:
today I ate a croissant (whats wrong with me?) and I'm gonna be on a party tonight, so that means lots of kcals /: and probaly no dancing. dont know. but I'll try to stay as low as possible.

love <3

34!

omg I just noticed I have 34readers! I know some of them are inactive and dont read this but lots of love to everyone of you my lobely readers <3
thanks for staying with me.

I'm not even trying to explain why I didnt post for so long...

well Ladies, here I am, feeling good because I managed to go to my new work regulary and because I just figured out how to blog from my phone(: because I've been thinking about blogging quiet often, but never was at home... but I still checked your blogs from time to time.
but reading Little Miss Thin's blog somehow kicked me back on track .

Today I had to work from 10am to 8pm. I work in a Mall and there is food and sweets and crap everywhere. I'm gonna be home around 9pm which is really late to start cooking, but I dont have much of a choice.
today I had so far:

breakfast: 308
two slices of wholemeal rye bread - 218 kcals
with vegan spread - around 90kcals

lunch: same

snack: 3 little chocolate pieces (gift from a customer) 138kcals

dinner: ? not quiet sure, had vegetables with some sauce and a slice of bread, guess around 300

I also drank 1.5l of juice and 1.5l of water.

woah that sounds a fucking lot...

well however I think my daily cal intake should be around 1700-1800cals for my age, height and size.
a website calculated that if I ate a little over 1000 cals a day I would be 121lbs/55kgs by my birthday in february, and that sounds freakin amazing! I think a goal is something that makes me excited and motivates me. I havent done anything about my weight for far too long!
I'm thinking about a detox-fast next week or so, just to kickstart the weightloss. so just water and detox tea for 7 days, who's in?(:
I have to research everything well before I start, I dont want it to get unhealthy starving with big weightgain afterwards.
if anyone is interested in joining me with the fast I will post the infos about fasting healthy(:

I've been a bad blogger for way too long

But this is gonna change!
I really need to update more often also for myself, so I dont get lost again and come back weeks later. And didnt get anything done.

Yesterday was a nice day food-wise.
I hab a bad start with some cookies and cocoa (wasnt worth it, just got a stomach ache) but didnt eat untill evening. For dinner I had scrambled egg, spinach with some garlic and fried potatoes.
aaaand because I slept so long I tried to stay awake the whole night (normally I'm wide awake all night and get tired around 8am) and I managed to do this without a single bite of food, yeah!
I'm proud ;D
Today I had a tomato so far but I need something good for breakfast, havent decided what yet.





Today my boyfriend and me are gonna buy the wallpapers for our new flat! (:





I was thinking they should be just white and we might decorate it a bit or something.
But somehow since yesterday I think if we find a cute
wallpaper maybe we buy a few rolls with pattern and the rest just white.
Aww I dont know, cant decide >.<
bf is no help, he just always says he wouldnt care but thats absolutely not true because there are lots of things he doesnt like.
Well, whatever, if he doesnt say anything usefull, I'm gonna choose.






I already worry what to eat tonight since there is a possibility of visiting my parents and when I'm over there I eateateat. Maybe I'll just bring something and ask my Mom not to make any other food since she would have to cook something especially for me (because I dont eat meat but my brother loves it).
Perhaps I could bring a low fat feta cheese and eat it with a salad or something.

I shouldnt worry so much.
I'm gonna do this!

Lots of Love :*
Bella

realization

Dear Ladies,

I am 18. And I feel old.
Like Really.
I sometimes feel like I've grown up to quick. I already tried everything girls my age do.
I'm gonna move in with my boyfriend, just the two of us, in the next few weeks.
I know I should be happy and I really am but there is something in my mind that feels bad about all of this.
I feel so old.
I realize I'm not that young anymore.
I'm in that age where you start being reasonable or grown up.
But somehow that feeling wont stop that I need to be 15 again and just dont giving a fuck.

well, I cant get back so I'm gonna deal with it anyways. Maybe I can find a way to express my feelings better than in that stupid text I just wrote. Maybe I can find a way to make my feelings go away.

So far today I ate

an apple
a chocolate chip cookie
salad with mozzarella
few sips of diet coke lemon

thats pretty little for me I think.
I also went on a little walk in the evening after work.
I'm gonna eat something now but just some vegetables with sauce, I think.
and then I'm gonna SLEEEEEEP like I should. Yeah... this has to work.
And I fucking want to keep this up because I am FAT. uhgidgthsitfjm

just some pictures I like and want to share with you.


love,
Bella

New York, here I come!

Ladiiiies.
I'm gonna fly to New York soon! Wooooooohooooo
OMG
I still cant believe it but my parents and my uncle payed for a 5 days trip to Manhattan, my Mom and me are gonna watch musical shows on broadway! I already dreamed to travel there for a while and I still havent realized I'm really gonna fly in a few months!
Anyone near New York who wants to meet me? (;

*happyhappy*

love,
Bella

e -i -g - h - t - e - e - n

giiiiirls please can someone explain me how to post from my phone? I really dont get it. It keeps saying I should send a mail from my blogger-email account but I cant figure out where I can log into that account or send emails.
help please? o:

and btw it my fucking 18th birthday todaaaaaaaaaaaay ! wooohooo

well yeah I'm happy about it. I'm allowed to be out all day and I'm gonna make a party for friends and family today. I'm excited. And sooooo fucking happy! I'm 18 and that means I can finally, after so many years, go with everyone when they go out, dont fear to be the one who has to leave early or something. From today on it doesnt matter anymore that I'm younger than my friends! yay!

I already have to go, wish all of you a happy valentines day if you celebrate (:

lots of love :*

Bella

ohmygod I'm to stupid to post from my phone

and thats why I havent postet yet. >_<
well I'm kinda okay with very different moods.

So I hope all of you are fine and I'll be able to read your blogs as much as possible.

To compensate my lack of posts I decided to post pictues of my body.
I took them today and I dont know what my excact weight ist because I was weighted while having breakfast and lunch still in my stomach und with clothes on. With all of that I was 64.7 kgs (142.6lbs) but the last few weeks I was between 63.3 - 63.5 kgs (139.5 - 139.9 lbs) so I guess I'm still around that.


be ready for something disgusting!

yeah well and thats it.
I'm really ashamed.



here I took a picture with cloth on.

and here I badly photoshopped what I wish to look like as a first goal.

so this were alot of pictures.
please comment so I know you didnt die from looking at them or something ^^

lots of love,
Bella <3

beginning of a new era

hey ladies,
I'm sorry I've been absent for awhile again.
Tomorrow a whole new life starts.
I'm gonna go to a clinic to cure my insomnia and depression. I was so scared of to go into therapy for too many years and now I'll go and fight and dont hide it anymore.
I still fear the whole thing and talking and everything but it's to late to worry about that, from tomorrow on I'll be there. It's an open clinic, with means I can leave the building in my free time and go home on weekends after two weeks and keep my phone.
I dont know if I'll be able to update from my phone (got a phone with internet connection a few weeks ago) but I will if its possible because I know you girls understand me.
I just sent a message to a few close friends in facebook telling them that I'm going there tomorrow... and it was so hard. I simply couldnt tell anybody because I am weak.
whatever.

I love all of you and I really hope you're all fine <3