what I guess is strange about me

I started writing this while blogger was down.

I don't know why it's in English, I just felt like expressing myself in English.

It's also alot of nonsense so you don't have to read it.

***

some things about me are rather unusual.
I don't know what it means and I don't know why I'm writing this down here, but I will.
For example I had a very lovely and free childhood, I was really happy.
In grade 1, 2 and 3 I was kind of best pupils in class without being a nerd and having a lot of friends.
Friends changed, they changed, I changed, everthing changed, we had fights and everything but nothing special, I think.
I know back then I felt uncomfortable with my body.
When I was about 8 years old I had 'modern dacing' lessons once a week.
I was the chubbiest of the girls I think.
Some girls asked my why I was that chubby. It sounds odd to me now, but back then I wasn't really suprised.
I always said, I wear one or two shirts under my dancing suit. Of course that wasn't the reason, but yeah.
I knew before that I was chubby. But if I look at pictures from that time I can't see a chubby child.
This kinda irritates me.
I was unhappy with that but not eating didn't came to my mind.
Also I got lots of love from my parents and had the same best friend for years, I simply could not trust them. I really don't know why. Nobody was making fun of me, but still. I had a lot of secrets. Secrets I hadn't told anyone all my life. But nothing special. Stupid things, like who I had a crush on when I was 11 or something. 

My best friend told me every detail about her crushes [she had alot of crushes] if they appeared in her dreams, what she wishes to do and she asked me what to do. I also told her alot but never about my secrets. I started giving advices about things I hadn't any experience with. This started back then and got more and more and today there are many more people asking me for listening to them and give them advice for their emotional problems.

When I was eleven I had a 'boyfriend' [wasn't the person I had a crush on]. We knew each other from the sportslessons we took but at some time he stopped going there. After that we texted and after a while he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, but I guess I just was happy that someone liked me that way, because this never happend before as far as I know [though I was a popular girl...but also a chubby girl].

It went well for a few moths but we only texted, never saw each other. I didn't tell my parents. I never told them.

I didn't tell them when I had my first real boyfriend, but they found it out.

I didn't tell them when I found my big love. It took me three months of our relationship to start showing that something was going on and it took me moving out to agree that my parents are allowed to se my Darling.

But at this time my relationship with my parents was that bad that I couldn't talk with them about a slice of bread without getting into a fight.

I was a really happy and open minded child, but I lost it a the end of 6th grade/beginning of 7th grade.

I changed school after the 6th grade with about 20 people from my old school. I don't know why they picked me but I was the new outcast. I guess it was the beginning of having a real own mind, having a taste in fashionstyle and so on. Nothing they cared about. All the same 'opinion', all the same cloth which their mother chose and yeah... like children at the age of 12 or 13.

A new school, the only people I knew ignored me or bullied me. The only friend I really had was my best friend, but she was at another school with alot of pseudo-mature bitches. She turned 13 after one moth of school in grade 7. In this month I tried hard to act like the girls in my class. Bought shoes like theirs, bought jeans like theirs and tshirts like theirs. I told my mum I would like my chucks anymore. It didn't work. They still noticed me being different. I gave up and wore my beloved chucks again. And black. A lot of black. And b/w striped shirts. In their eyes I was disgusting.

the bitchy girls in my best friends class started getting bitchy towards her, for also wearing alot of black or maybe contrary, I can't remember.

I was still 12 at this time.

I was 12 when I grabed her arm and she suddenly screamed in pain and started crying while she shove up her sleeve, exposing a few very deep cuts.

It hit me hard.

I had seen the one, much to straight cut, before, but she told me it was a scratch.

I felt very helpless. The time she showed me her cuts we where at a girls workshop for three days. There was another girl with alot more cuts and her arms and legs and nobody liked her. We had to hide my best friends cuts and laugh about the poor girl who showed her cuts. As always we tried to cause no trouble.

In her school the girls noticed her cuts and started bullying her even more. No only at school, also writing mean things on her homepage and everthing.

It hurt me as much as it hurt her.

The people in my class weren't any better.

But we had each other.

Though I always knew I couldn't trust her forever. If there is someone temporary interessting then she forgets about me. But at this time there only were the two of us.

This time made me somehow strong and weak at the same time. I learned not to care about people glaring at me.

I found new friends, friends I could count on who are still my friends.

I only wore black because I loved black, the time I turned 13 I dyied my hair black which is still black now.

Also I lost my ability to trust people completely. Besides the people I got friends with, I didn't like anybody.

I had a few friends two years older than me. With them I started going out at weekends.

I cared less about my classmates and started living for my weekends.

I don't need to say that I already had my first expiriences with alkohol two years ago at this time? It's nothing I could be proud of and thanks to my strong personality nothing bad happened, but it could have.

I'm going to write more about my past some time later. I have to go to the theatre now and it's not save for me to write there.

I hope I can find more time to post.

Btw, the sleeping pills I take work, I guess, because I'm not lying awake every night.

I still catch up on all your blogs, even if I don't comment right now. 

I'm very sorry for this, you wonderful ladies. ;* hope you're all okay.

Isobel its sad I haven't heard from you, I know you only update weekly, but you haven't posted yesterday. Hope you're all right.